RWBY is Fan Service
by Troumvirate
Summary: Volume 6 is coming, so be sure to renew your FIRST memberships! Even if you already have one, you should just pay in advance for your next billing cycle. Volume 6 will be that good! You won't regret it! They're a professional company! And be sure to fork out cash for another FIRST membership for Gen:Lock once it comes out!
1. Chapter 1

This is a story about Ruby Rose.

Ruby Rose is the main character of this story.

Volume 5 had finally and mercifully ended with absolutely zero consequences for our heroes. Our protagonists had finally managed to figure out the ultimate weakness of the villains: budget restraints. Put too many people on screen at once, and everyone lost their ability to fight or think rationally. It's kind of like playing a high end game that your PC can't handle, so everything just freezes up. And that's exactly what the climax of this past volume was like.

Anyway, Oscar was sitting around with nothing to do since he had overcome all of his previous doubts and questions off-screen, like what any good writer has their characters do. But what this did allow for was for EVEN **MORE** _**EXPOSITION**_ from the king of dull monologues himself, Ozpin! And seeing how this man can take over a little boy's body whenever he feels like it, that's exactly what he did.

"Oscar," he asked the child who could not escape his tormenter. "I've been around for a long time. Made more mistakes than any man, woman or child in history. And yet I've still learned nothing, nor have I accumulated any knowledge or strategies in order to defeat my arch nemesis. It's almost as if this whole reincarnation idea and being cursed by the gods was just tacked on in the middle of the story because it sounded cool."

"Gee, Ozpin. That sure would make a lot of sense. But why do you bring this up now? Why not explain something that actually matters such as the nature of Salem, Ruby's silver eyes, the power of the relics, or something else people actually care about?"

"Because it's all about keeping things vague, Oscar," Ozpin mansplained to the one time hypothesized transgender spring maiden. "You see, if you keep things vague, don't have any dates or timelines, you can never be called out for your poor writing. You can just retcon things whenever you feel like it."

"Wow, Mr. Ozpin. You sure are smart. You know how to turn utter laziness and poor planning into an art form. It's almost as if you're deceiving everyone into thinking you have a plan, but are really just bad at what you do. Incompetent even."

"Indeed. And I'll tell you this. If there's one thing I've learned in my time here on Remnant, there is one sure way to keep the people under your control. Do you know how I've managed to keep the people of this world under my thumb for five, I mean thousands upon thousands of years?"

"How?"

"Cute girls."

"Cute girls?"

"Indeed, Oscar. Cute girls. You would be amazed by how many lazy, retarded and nonsensical decisions people will overlook if you dangle a few cute girls in front of them. And if you tease said cute girls being in relationships with one another? They will disregard even the dumbest of decisions and omissions as long as they get their fill of cute girls having cute moments together. They will accept mediocrity with open arms and praise it as if it was the greatest thing on the internet, I mean in the world."

Oscar hmmmmed. "So if you don't mind me asking, what is your goal then? What do you get out of all of this Salem, maidens, relics and magic nonsense?"

"Why, I am going to rob these fools of all their lien, of course! They attended my academy under the false pretense of becoming huntresses, but after only three volumes, I mean a few months, the academy was no more! Now they are out here in the wilderness, as lost and confused and aimless as I am. But the trick is, I already have all of their lien. And they will continue to pay me their lien despite not having a school to attend anymore. Despite not getting what they thought they were paying for. And do you know why?"

"Cute girls?"

"Exactly, Oscar! You understand completely because you are a like-minded person. These people will continue to throw their hard-earned lien at me for even the slimmest chance of seeing Yang and Blake hold hands. Or Yang and Weiss sharing a hug. Or even you and Ruby having a heartfelt conversation together. These people are suckers of the highest caliber, and they deserve to be parted with their lien for their stupidity."

"Wow maybe you aren't such a good guy after all, Ozpin. Maybe you really are shades of grey! This! This right here! This is good storytelling! You're displaying shades of grey! RWBY is the greatest show ever!"

"Indeed. It doesn't matter how many mistakes I make. It doesn't matter how many times I fail to deliver. They will continue to follow and obey me. And do you know why?"

"Cute girls!" Oscar yiffed.

So get ready for another volume of Cute Girls: The American Anime! Now with even more dropped storylines, undeveloped characters, disappointing payoffs, and EVEN **MORE** _**VAGUENESS!**_ Because who needs to know anything about the world of RWBY when there are cute girls to distract you?

The end.


	2. Chapter 2

Cute girls!

Pyrrha's mom!

Summer Rose!

Ozpin bad guy!

Bumblebee!

Adam's dead!

Jaune's sister!

Jaune angry at bad guy Ozpin! He remembers Pyrrha!

Remnant San Francisco!

Handholding! I'm gonna cum!

Salem's backstory!

Salem is Thanos!

Gurren Lagann!

Fan service genie!

Neo's new outfit!

Neo has tits!

Look at Neo's tits!

Silver eyes! Those are things! Remember?

Ruby's assertive now! Too bad she still has all the hero speeches!

And you know what? It's working. Eat your bread, plebeians. And no, I don't mean this in a contemporary context where you call some kid you beat on Call of Duty a "pleb". I mean a literal plebeian from ancient Rome.

Ozpin sat inside Oscar's head, cackling all the while as he counted his money. The move to his new platform had worked out brilliantly. He was still in control of everything, despite having moved from Yout- I mean into Oscar's head. Sure, people had been angry at first, but they kept on doing what he wanted them to do. They still kept on the path he had set them on. Because by now they were hooked on the adventure. They couldn't just up and leave in the middle of it. They had to see it through in order to see how it ended.

Cute girls. As he had told Oscar all those months ago, that's all it took to keep them going. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Cute girls will always win in the end.

Pay no attention to all his poor choices. Don't worry about all the crap he's spewed. The mob would devour their bread and circuses. Cute girls will always win in the end.

"Hey, Oscar," Ozpin whispered into his flesh suit's mind.

"Yeah?"

"What'd I tell you. Give these people enough cute girls having cute moments together, and they'll look over all the other shit."

Oscar knew that the man was correct. Volume 6 was a smashing success. Volume 6 was the best volume yet. It was flawless. It gave fans everything they had ever wanted, and more!

Who cares if Yang's PTSD arc was completely ignored when it should have mattered the most? Who cares if the main villain in Blake and Yang's lives was reduced to an allegory for an abusive relationship? Who cares if the entire White Fang storyline that we were forced to endure for five whole volumes amounted to nothing? Who cares if Rooster Teeth still can't choreograph a good fight scene? Who cares if the finale fell flatter than Weiss' chest? Who cares if the big scary Leviathan Grimm was neutered by silver eyes, and all sense of tension was removed from the series as a result? Who cares if Cinder is still a useless nothing of a character who hasn't learned or changed at all from her failures? Who cares if Yang, Blake and Weiss have no relationships with any other characters besides their respective partners? Who cares if Oscar's life is slowly slipping away from him, and his solution was to go shopping for a new coat and dinner? Who cares if all of the doubts, questions and conflicts raised at Brunswick Farm were immediately written off as the effects of The Apathy Grimm? Who cares if fights no longer have any stakes or consequences, because in these life or death situations you know for a fact that none of the main four girls will ever, _ever_ , die?

None of that matters. Because shipping has triumphed over the dark forces of plot and character development.

You all got what you wanted. You would see RWBY burn if your ship could be Queen of the Ashes.

"You sure were right, Ozpin," Oscar admitted. "I mean, just look at me. No one cares that Jaune pushed me up against a wall so hard that I thought he was going to make out with me. The only thing that matters is that I'm still talking to Ruby, and that Nora still thinks I'm cute. Rose Garden and Valhalla are the only things that matter about my character."

"That's right, my boy," Ozpin monologued. "Now we get to look forward to the volume 7, where questions and theories still run rampant in the audience's minds. Questions like, will Yang and Blake fully come out of the closet and finally kiss? Will Ruby, a girl who has never shown romantic or sexual interest in anyone or anything before, choose Jaune or Oscar? Will Qrow and Winter meet and reignite their obvious sexual tension? Will Weiss reveal herself to be a useless lesbian? Truly such important questions are the ones that Rooster Teeth must address, for they are on the forefront of every viewer's mind!"

"I don't know, Ozpin. But I sure can't wait to tune in to volume 7 to see all these important shipping questions be resolved. Because honestly, I can't imagine anyone still cares about the boring and generic plot to this show anymore. The only important stakes left is which ships will become canon."

So enjoy the hiatus. And keep paying your FIRST memberships so that Gen:Lock can get more funding. I mean, so RWBY can get more funding. RWBY needs the funding. They need to hire actual writers.


End file.
